Tuesday, February 24, 2015

A break from the usually cosplay stuff

video performance of spoken word piece https://youtu.be/DMx-GCCJm6AI have use this blog to discuss body image issues before.  Usually it has some link to cosplay.  I performed a rare spoken word piece about body image at The Early Show's Celebrating the V (as in Vagina) show.  It was scariest performance I'd ever done and I spin fire and swords on stage on a regular basis.
photos by Jim Worley


You wield the word fat like a dagger
The tell me you are joking as I lay bleeding
As the pain from the first stab radiates through me.

You tell me I am too sensitive,
I need thicker skin.

The next thrust of the blade makes me cry
You don’t understand why I am so upset.

You were just being honest.

When you attempt to cover the gaping wound with a band aid,
You don’t understand why I am not healing.

You were just thinking of my health.

The wounds would eventually heal
but the scars never fade

If you intention was education
You succeeded
It may have not been the education you intended

It began as a little girl
I was the chubby one.
La goridita

I didn’t matter I loved to dance,
that roller skates and bicycles were my favorite mode of transportation
My 80 lb mother and my slender sister ate more then I did.

“Should you eat that?” My grandmother asked.


I never did ask for her food again.
So if it wasn’t offered I didn’t eat
Even nights I had missed dinner
I would rather starve then ask for food.
I was twelve.

When I was fourteen,  dance was my passion.

How can you dance if you are so fat? “ a cousin asked
Some how at a size 14, 5 feet tall it amazed her that such a fat slob could be so graceful.

I was the one who got the talking to for disrespecting my elders.

Even though my uncle teased me about my weight until I was in tears
I just wanted him to stop

Can’t you tell he was just kidding?

You taught me that it was okay to abuse me as long as you loved me.

When I was a teen my attitude changed.

My teenage rebellion did not consist of drinking or staying out late.
It consisted refusing to diet and wear clothes fat girls weren’t supposed to wear
Why yes I will have a second slice of pizza.

FUCK YOUR DIET !
I WILL NO BE BULLIED INTO AN EATING DISORDER.

But those scars never did go away.

 Even as I grew to be content with myself as a woman

“When you wear shorts people point and laugh”

A man who swore he loved me said to me

And he got mad at me for being upset.

It didn’t matter we were in a store in front of people
In front of his son.
he did eventually apologized,

but it was too late.

The old wounds started to bleed.

Those scars more visible then ever.

I could not get myself to eat.

Everything I put in my mouth made me feel disgusting.

I ate enough to keep myself from getting sick
And in public as long as you eat something no one notices anything is wrong.
I'm just not that hungry


At home alone I just cried.
Two weeks may not be very long
but for the angry girl who swore she would never be bullied into a eating disorder.
It felt like eternity until I sought help
And the consulsor said this is abuse

He had picked and picked at my self esteem
I no longer did many things I enjoyed
or dressed the way i wanted.

It took some time to put myself back together
and eventually I left.

Those who hurt me the most with their words
had no idea how sharp their blade was.
how many scars they left behind

I no longer ignore those scars
I acknowledge them.
Let them show sometimes.
They will always be there.
They helped me become the woman I am

They me become fat and happy.

And now you are angry
that I and others choose to be fat and happy
That we will not wait to pursue our dreams.
We will not let a number on scale deterime how we live our lives.

You don’t like Fat and happy
Try Fat and angry on for size.
Fat and happy is content to let things be
Ignore your ignorance and move on

Fat and angry stands up and says
NO!

Fat and angry says
FUCK YOUR BEAUTY STANDARDS!

This is the skin I live in.
You can not catch second hand fatness by standing next to me

Those leggings make me my thighs look big
Good I'm going to wear them all the time.

All the Thin women in the world are not to going to start eating chips and ice cream until they expand to the size of the couch
because one woman got a modeling contract at a size 22.
You can take your excuses and shove them up you ass.

 The idea that a woman is promoting an unhealthy lifestyle
because she chose to be proud of the skin she lives in is bullshit
You tell me thin is in
And I will show you that all bodies are beautiful.

You want to be nasty troll.
and tell me I am what's wrong with America
Fat and lazy.

I will stand up and say No
 not for me
I could care less about what you say about me
 But stand up for those fat girls who had the courage to put themselves out there.
It takes years to build up self esteem
It only takes one asshole to destroy it.

Ignore them you say
So much easier said then done.
Especially when the voices have always been there. 

Someone has to stand up and say no more.
what is wrong with you that makes you think this is OK.

Since when is it worse to be fat then mean, or cruel or evil
Fat is just a descriptive word like short, tall, skinny, muscular
when did it become a weapon to destroy

If fat is the worse I am
then I am lucky.

I am creative
I am talented
I am loved.

Fat does not equal lonely.
I have many friends
and have had my share of lovers
 no man  has ever had sex with me out of pity.
And I have turned down more men then I would ever care to sleep with

So take your preconceived notions of who I am and shove them up your ass.
I have done things you could never dream of
and when I grow old I will have many tales of wonder to tell.

What will you have?

My name is Betty Adorno
I am 42 years old
I am 5 foot one and weight 230lbs
I wear a size 18
Does this outfit make me look fat?
Good.











1 comment:

  1. You, my lovely, lovely woman. You are Amazing. I am proud of you and proud to call you friend.

    ReplyDelete