Friday, August 19, 2016

Cats!!!

So to help deal with my anxiety, depression and greif caused by my mother's death I now make sock cats.  Some people drink apparently I make cats.  Just a sample of what I have made. Some of these have already been adopted.
Here's an example of what I have been doing with my time

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Grief and Cosplay

When I was 12 my mother took me to see Splash in the theater. As the credits rolled, my mother turned to me and said "You're going to be a mermaid for Halloween." And I was.  I remember how we found the perfect fabric and how excited I was to try on my costume. I didn't care walking was difficult, I looked fabulous in my tail.
Me and my sister on Halloween
My mom made all our Halloween costumes. She loved to sew.  As I got older I taught my self to sew and I started to make my own costumes. It was one of the things me and my Mom bonded over. I inherited her love and artistic ability for arts, crafts and sewing.
When my mom first got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer I came home for two weeks at the end of October.  Which means I'd be in NY for Halloween. I wanted to go out for Halloween with my sister but she whined she didn't have a costume. So our mother and I whipped up a Malenficent in two hours.
Halloween 2013

People were stopping her on the street for photos. Mommy and I were really proud of ourselves.
My mother put up a fight against her cancer for 2 1/2 years. Christmas of 2015 was when her health began to really detriorate.  The last week of March I brought her grandchildren to spend their spring break with her and my sister (their mother). This week also coinsided with the NY Nerdlesque festival.  I was stage kittening and gogo dancing for the festival so I had to have something fabulous.  So while I was with my family in NY with my moms input I made a sassy little Tardis outfit complete with a sequin and rhinestone head lamp that lit up.


I modeled it for my mom without the wig and she loved it.  She told me how beautiful I looked.  (She perferred it without the wig but since I bought the wig I was going to wear it.)
Needless to say my tardis was a big hit. I had told her that wanted to wear this to convention but I would have to add a skirt. Mommy tells me I don't need a skirt. I disagreed if I was going to wear it out during the day I'd need a skirt. 

I brought the kids back to NC and immediately had to make arrangements to come back to NY. Mom's health was failing. As my sister and took care of I started to design the additions to the tardis. I ordered galaxy leggings and decided I wanted a tutu.  I wanted to look like a ballerina.
My mother died May 3rd 2016.
I got back to my life in North Carolina just before Animazement.   I was able to finish the additions to the cosplay in time.

I felt so beautiful.  I got at lot of complements on it. 
The next weekend was concarolinas.  I made a few changes on the cosplay.


I added the lights and didn't wear the mask and I forgot the wig so I had to go with my natural hair.  I think my mom was right. I like it better without the wig. I think it needs more lights but again I felt beautiful, when ever I put this outfit on I feel a little sad because I know my mother would of loved it.  I would do anything to hear her tell me how beautiful she thought I looked.  I just wanted to wear something beautiful. 
I am grieving the loss of my mom.  Everytime I make something I think of her. I learned my love of creating costumes from her.  She was with me at animazement and concarolinas in spirt making sure I felt beautiful because that's they way she always saw me. My mother was the most beautiful person I ever had the honor to know and love.



Tuesday, July 21, 2015

I am truly lucky to have awesome friends

I may not have a lot of money and struggle quite a bit but I do have the most amazing friends! Thank you to everyone who took a minute to send me kind words of encouragement. I needed a moment to purge the feelings I had trapped inside me and thank you for allowing me to.  I am truly grateful.

Friday, July 17, 2015

For a cosplay blog I talk about self esteem issues a lot.

This is me, all natural This was from a body positive photo shoot i did with other burlesque dancers in the community.

I love cosplay and Burlesque and I run the local Nerdlesque group Nerd-Vana in the Raleigh/Durham area. I'm also a fire dancer and perform with the local Circus community.
So the past few days I have thinking about quitting.  I haven't told anyone because embarassed why I'm thinking of quitting. 
I'm fat and I'm not ashamed of my body.  I have those days I don't feel good about my body, but that's not why I'm thinking of quitting.

 But if you look at my pictures there is on thing they all have in common.

Besides the fact I'm not afraid to be ridiculous.

or silly

or even a little sexy.

       Notice my smile.  I never give a toothy smile.  Its always closed mouth.  Why?  Caused I'm embarrassed by my teeth.  Its something I rarely talk about. 
        
       I hate when people tell me to smile.  Which is kinda odd considering have people recognize me my laugh before they even see me in the room. My teeth are the last thing I ever want to show people. When I was a kid we were poor so going to the dentist on regular basis was a luxury.  
      I have the same argument with my mom every time I visit her.  She tells me to fix my teeth and tell her I don't have the money.
Our family has a history of periodontal disease and my mom no longer has any teeth. I know she does want the same thing for me. I don't want it either but when you have to pick between paying bills and your teeth unless I'm in pain bills come first. 
       I want to make it clear I'm not writing this so people will feel sorry for me. I am NOT asking for money NOR am I fishing for complements.
       Another piece of my front tooth broke and it just really upset me to the point of wanting to quit performing and cosplay.  I know I'm more then a collection of parts and I am really pretty damn fabulous.   I have the most amazing friends, my mom and my sister support me in every thing I do.
        I guess I'm starting to feel like damaged goods. I don't know how to turn that feeling off.  I love performing more then anything and I don't want to quit.  The question when does one throw in the towel.  I'm a fat woman in my forties, for some people I shouldn't of been playing in the game in the first place. I'm just in this weird place in my head.  It shouldn't bother me this much but it does and I don't know what to do about it. 
        It really hard when cosplaying cause I always feel like my teeth ruin the look and once some one asked how I did the teeth. I had to explain to him I had bad teeth. He was embarrassed and I was kinda mortified.  I wish I could say it was the first time that had happened to me in costume. 
        I'm starting to feel more and more that I tricked everyone into thinking I'm one the pretty girls.  I'm aware this is in my head.  Here in the local community I feel so much love. I have the most amazing friends who have given me more then I could ever ask for.  On one hand things are tough, but on the hand I get to do some really cool stuff.  So giving that up because of self esteem issues seems silly.  This is just another hurdle I have to tackle.  Another day of wrestling this beast we call self-esteem.  I wish I could end this post with picture of me smiling but I'm not ready for that. I may never be ready.
         Thank you for hearing me out.
       

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

A break from the usually cosplay stuff

video performance of spoken word piece https://youtu.be/DMx-GCCJm6AI have use this blog to discuss body image issues before.  Usually it has some link to cosplay.  I performed a rare spoken word piece about body image at The Early Show's Celebrating the V (as in Vagina) show.  It was scariest performance I'd ever done and I spin fire and swords on stage on a regular basis.
photos by Jim Worley


You wield the word fat like a dagger
The tell me you are joking as I lay bleeding
As the pain from the first stab radiates through me.

You tell me I am too sensitive,
I need thicker skin.

The next thrust of the blade makes me cry
You don’t understand why I am so upset.

You were just being honest.

When you attempt to cover the gaping wound with a band aid,
You don’t understand why I am not healing.

You were just thinking of my health.

The wounds would eventually heal
but the scars never fade

If you intention was education
You succeeded
It may have not been the education you intended

It began as a little girl
I was the chubby one.
La goridita

I didn’t matter I loved to dance,
that roller skates and bicycles were my favorite mode of transportation
My 80 lb mother and my slender sister ate more then I did.

“Should you eat that?” My grandmother asked.


I never did ask for her food again.
So if it wasn’t offered I didn’t eat
Even nights I had missed dinner
I would rather starve then ask for food.
I was twelve.

When I was fourteen,  dance was my passion.

How can you dance if you are so fat? “ a cousin asked
Some how at a size 14, 5 feet tall it amazed her that such a fat slob could be so graceful.

I was the one who got the talking to for disrespecting my elders.

Even though my uncle teased me about my weight until I was in tears
I just wanted him to stop

Can’t you tell he was just kidding?

You taught me that it was okay to abuse me as long as you loved me.

When I was a teen my attitude changed.

My teenage rebellion did not consist of drinking or staying out late.
It consisted refusing to diet and wear clothes fat girls weren’t supposed to wear
Why yes I will have a second slice of pizza.

FUCK YOUR DIET !
I WILL NO BE BULLIED INTO AN EATING DISORDER.

But those scars never did go away.

 Even as I grew to be content with myself as a woman

“When you wear shorts people point and laugh”

A man who swore he loved me said to me

And he got mad at me for being upset.

It didn’t matter we were in a store in front of people
In front of his son.
he did eventually apologized,

but it was too late.

The old wounds started to bleed.

Those scars more visible then ever.

I could not get myself to eat.

Everything I put in my mouth made me feel disgusting.

I ate enough to keep myself from getting sick
And in public as long as you eat something no one notices anything is wrong.
I'm just not that hungry


At home alone I just cried.
Two weeks may not be very long
but for the angry girl who swore she would never be bullied into a eating disorder.
It felt like eternity until I sought help
And the consulsor said this is abuse

He had picked and picked at my self esteem
I no longer did many things I enjoyed
or dressed the way i wanted.

It took some time to put myself back together
and eventually I left.

Those who hurt me the most with their words
had no idea how sharp their blade was.
how many scars they left behind

I no longer ignore those scars
I acknowledge them.
Let them show sometimes.
They will always be there.
They helped me become the woman I am

They me become fat and happy.

And now you are angry
that I and others choose to be fat and happy
That we will not wait to pursue our dreams.
We will not let a number on scale deterime how we live our lives.

You don’t like Fat and happy
Try Fat and angry on for size.
Fat and happy is content to let things be
Ignore your ignorance and move on

Fat and angry stands up and says
NO!

Fat and angry says
FUCK YOUR BEAUTY STANDARDS!

This is the skin I live in.
You can not catch second hand fatness by standing next to me

Those leggings make me my thighs look big
Good I'm going to wear them all the time.

All the Thin women in the world are not to going to start eating chips and ice cream until they expand to the size of the couch
because one woman got a modeling contract at a size 22.
You can take your excuses and shove them up you ass.

 The idea that a woman is promoting an unhealthy lifestyle
because she chose to be proud of the skin she lives in is bullshit
You tell me thin is in
And I will show you that all bodies are beautiful.

You want to be nasty troll.
and tell me I am what's wrong with America
Fat and lazy.

I will stand up and say No
 not for me
I could care less about what you say about me
 But stand up for those fat girls who had the courage to put themselves out there.
It takes years to build up self esteem
It only takes one asshole to destroy it.

Ignore them you say
So much easier said then done.
Especially when the voices have always been there. 

Someone has to stand up and say no more.
what is wrong with you that makes you think this is OK.

Since when is it worse to be fat then mean, or cruel or evil
Fat is just a descriptive word like short, tall, skinny, muscular
when did it become a weapon to destroy

If fat is the worse I am
then I am lucky.

I am creative
I am talented
I am loved.

Fat does not equal lonely.
I have many friends
and have had my share of lovers
 no man  has ever had sex with me out of pity.
And I have turned down more men then I would ever care to sleep with

So take your preconceived notions of who I am and shove them up your ass.
I have done things you could never dream of
and when I grow old I will have many tales of wonder to tell.

What will you have?

My name is Betty Adorno
I am 42 years old
I am 5 foot one and weight 230lbs
I wear a size 18
Does this outfit make me look fat?
Good.











Friday, August 15, 2014

Fandom crafting... hello king of hell?

So I have this awesome t-shirt I call it my hello Crowley t-shirt. When I saw this shirt I had to have it because im a huge Mark Sheppard fan girl.  (Why the sword on my head? Cause I dance with swords and fire so im showing off a little.  And btw I also have an awesome fire dancing Crowley tribute on YouTube but thats besides the point. ) so a week or so ago someone made a Crowley pop figure. For some reason funko still hasn't made one.  I was so jealous I wanted my own Crowley toy. 
Money is tight so I didnt want to go out and buy a pop figure to do a repaint.  Then I remembered I have trikku vinyl figure.  Its a blank kitty figure and then I remembered the t-shirt I mentioned earlier.   And that was it I was going to make my toy based on my favorite t-shirt.
He is completely hand painted and I felt he needed a friend.  So I made him Juliet the hell hound to keep him company on my shelf.  I love him,  he makes me happy...

My awesome t-shirt
the first layer of paint
His suit...
still a work in progress
Im a burlesque dancer I could resist using rhinestones and glitter
Figure on my head on a sword? Why becuase I can.
Close up of Crowley and Juliet!  

Monday, May 26, 2014

Dear Troll,

I was on a facebook group for a business that specialized in burlesque dancewear for women of all sizes. I posted my wonder woman outfit featuring the shorts I got from the company.  I had gotten many compliments about the outfit I had put together last minute for a convention. 
When I recieved the notification that I had a comment on the photo I had posted, thats when I saw your comment.  My picture was disgusting to you. I was everything wrong with America and I needed to diet.  But you didnt stop there you had to voice your opinion on another one of my photos that also did not meet your standards. 

 I thought about feeding you but decided it would better to contact the owner of the business and let her know about you.  As I discovered that you weren't only trolling me but any girl who was not up to your standards.  It wasn't good enough to make nasty comments about me but you just had to go strolling through months worth of photos to spread your venom.  Basically targeting this woman's business for daring to make sexy dance wear for woman of all shapes and sizes.  You might as well have been standing in front of her business and yelling "you fat ass you should diet" to everyone who shops at her business. 

Yes it is my fault your comments were removed and blocked.  And no it not because you hurt my feelings.  My feelings are fine.  I am not ashamed of my body.  And I'm not going to hide my body because you and others like you think I should.  
I was too busy being angry to feel hurt. Angry you would disrespect some one's business.  Angry that you felt the need to make others feel bad. I'm forty years old with pretty good self esteem.  But not everyone is like that.  It takes a certain amount of bravery to put a picture of your self on the internet because of people like you.  It makes me sad when I hear girls say "I'm going to do_________ I just need to lose weight first." 
I swear if I waited to do everything I wanted to because I didn't lose weight I'd never do anything. 
Im 5'1 and never really been skinny.  At thinnest at as an adult was 150 lb and was because I had gotten really sick and barely ate for 3 -4 weeks in my early 20's and lost 20 lbs in a month.  Everyone told me how much better I looked after losing that weight. I hate seeing those pictures becuase the way I lost the weight was so miserable but yet everyone celebrated me for it. Of course I gained that weight right back once I could stomach real meals again.
The most successful times I have lost weight was when I did it on my own terms.  I when I kicking boxing I lost 15 lb I still weighted 175 but I looked amazing and I worked for every pound I lost.  I was really proud of myself.  But life happens as it does and I had to give it up.
I've never truly been inactive.  I've been dancing all my life.  And the past 5 years I have been practicing burlesque, circus and fire arts.   I am a fire and sword dancer.  Oh did I mention I work 2 jobs as well.  So being lazy is not the reason I'm fat. I could eat better and I could exercise more.   I've always been chubby  and you calling me fat is not going to stop me or shame me into not eating. 
By the way I got to check out your facebook page. It made me a little sad.  There you were with your selfie in your bathroom shirtless with cash fanned out in your hand, with your cover picture of a fancy gun and knife.  Trying to look like some white ghetto thug.   Pretending to be man. 
It makes me sad becuase I know nothing I say here will make you change your attitude towards women.  It makes me sad that you will never really know how to love a woman because you will way too concerned about the way she looks.  A real man loves a woman for who she is and not what she looks like. A real man doesn't put down others in public because he is not attracted to them.
Go ahead scream free speech if you like and you have the right to think and say what you want.  But I also have the right to call out for being a rude dick head.  You have the right to think i'm ugly and fat but you should have the common sense and decency to not put someone down and degrade them because they are not up to your "standards".
I lied this letter really isn't for you.  As I pointed out before nothing I say will change you mind about fat girls.  You have made yourself the self appointed fat police. While you sit behind the computer looking for more fat girls to troll I will be out living my life, performing on stage, going to conventions and hanging out with my family and friends. This letter was for me and other girls/women like me. Do what you want.  Wear what you want. And show it off. Most of all don't hide.  Fat girls are not monsters that need to be hidden away in dark rooms.   
You have one body and one life, learn to love it.

The wonder woman selfie I posted.