This is me, all natural This was from a body positive photo shoot i did with other burlesque dancers in the community.
I love cosplay and Burlesque and I run the local Nerdlesque group Nerd-Vana in the Raleigh/Durham area. I'm also a fire dancer and perform with the local Circus community.
So the past few days I have thinking about quitting. I haven't told anyone because embarassed why I'm thinking of quitting.
I'm fat and I'm not ashamed of my body. I have those days I don't feel good about my body, but that's not why I'm thinking of quitting.
But if you look at my pictures there is on thing they all have in common.
Besides the fact I'm not afraid to be ridiculous.
or even a little sexy.
Notice my smile. I never give a toothy smile. Its always closed mouth. Why? Caused I'm embarrassed by my teeth. Its something I rarely talk about.
I hate when people tell me to smile. Which is kinda odd considering have people recognize me my laugh before they even see me in the room. My teeth are the last thing I ever want to show people. When I was a kid we were poor so going to the dentist on regular basis was a luxury.
I have the same argument with my mom every time I visit her. She tells me to fix my teeth and tell her I don't have the money.
Our family has a history of periodontal disease and my mom no longer has any teeth. I know she does want the same thing for me. I don't want it either but when you have to pick between paying bills and your teeth unless I'm in pain bills come first.
I want to make it clear I'm not writing this so people will feel sorry for me. I am NOT asking for money NOR am I fishing for complements.
Another piece of my front tooth broke and it just really upset me to the point of wanting to quit performing and cosplay. I know I'm more then a collection of parts and I am really pretty damn fabulous. I have the most amazing friends, my mom and my sister support me in every thing I do.
I guess I'm starting to feel like damaged goods. I don't know how to turn that feeling off. I love performing more then anything and I don't want to quit. The question when does one throw in the towel. I'm a fat woman in my forties, for some people I shouldn't of been playing in the game in the first place. I'm just in this weird place in my head. It shouldn't bother me this much but it does and I don't know what to do about it.
It really hard when cosplaying cause I always feel like my teeth ruin the look and once some one asked how I did the teeth. I had to explain to him I had bad teeth. He was embarrassed and I was kinda mortified. I wish I could say it was the first time that had happened to me in costume.
I'm starting to feel more and more that I tricked everyone into thinking I'm one the pretty girls. I'm aware this is in my head. Here in the local community I feel so much love. I have the most amazing friends who have given me more then I could ever ask for. On one hand things are tough, but on the hand I get to do some really cool stuff. So giving that up because of self esteem issues seems silly. This is just another hurdle I have to tackle. Another day of wrestling this beast we call self-esteem. I wish I could end this post with picture of me smiling but I'm not ready for that. I may never be ready.
Thank you for hearing me out.
