Cunning Threads and Frilling Heroics: Let me step up on my soap box for a minute.

This Blog is going to be dedicated to Nerd costuming, arts and crafts that I design, but first I have something to say.

So most of my fellow firefly fans out there in the internets have seen this picture.

This bra was made for a burlesque number for the Nerd-core variety show: Nerd-vana.

Mikey Mason and the female cast of the Sci-fi double feature show

My idea for the sci-fi themed show was to do a tribute to Jayne Cobb my favorite character from Firefly. The train of though was: "How funny would it be if I wore 3 hats, only one would be on my head." And then it morphed into: "What if it was a bra?" The night of the sci-fi show arrived and I proudly showed my fellow performers my bra. I thought it was the funniest, goofiest number I had ever come up with. (I had two grenades and a small toy gun in my men's boxer briefs. Being sexy was the furthest thing from my mind.) My burlesque numbers tend to be on the funny side, and mostly nerdy. Something about geek culture makes me want to take my clothes off. But that's besides the point. One of my fellow performers (Mikey Mason) asked if he could take a picture of the bra. And he snapped the photo below with his cellphone:

A conversation with Mikey on his facebook page about the show and a picture taken of him with the female cast members sparked a comment about the bra. I told him he could post the picture of bra. He added the sparklers to make it "shiny" (also done on his phone.) And then the next thing I know my body is all over the internet. First Facebook, then imgur/Reddit then twitter. Then the picture started to show up on the sci-fi blogs. I was very proud that something I made and designed was being enjoyed by Firefly fans all over the world. Then came the fear of the comments... This wasn't just something I made and designed this was me. My body. A size 18 woman in just a pair of khakis and a bra that was basically a boob cozy. What would people say? Would they be cruel? Would they get the joke? I have found most of the comments have been hilarious and/or positive. So many funny firefly references about my breasts. A lot of "I'll be in my bunk" and "a woman walks down the street in a bra like that, you know she is not afraid of anything... Then there were nasty comments. Some people claiming the picture was Photoshopped. And others about how I looked like a cheap whore or how fat and ugly I was. When a friend of mine or I commented on a thread or blog there were no mean comments or they stopped. There was one blog where I did not get to comment and the comments were very nasty and mean. One guy posted my Facebook page and proclaim "that you would need an eye bleaching after looking at it." I have to admit some of the comments did make me delete one photo on Nerd-vana Facebook page. I didn't think the photo was flattering and I'm ashamed to say I let these ignorant people bully me into taking the photo down. I almost didn't put up the video of the Big Damn Tribute number up on youtube. I am so lucky I have the most amazing friends who helped me realized I should not be ashamed. And they wanted me to put up the video. So I did. I will not allow myself to be bullied anymore into being ashamed of the way I look. I have always danced and loved to perform. I do perform rather regularly and not just for the sexy Nerd-core show I produce. I have worked with several performance groups in the triangle area as well as the city of Raleigh.

Me as at The Statue of Liberty with Maximus Circus for the city of Raleigh 4th of July celebration 2012

I refuse to hate my body. And some days its harder then others. I have never been smaller then 12/14 as a teen and adult. And at my fittest (I was kickboxing 3-5 days a week.) And at 5'1 I weighted 175 pounds. I was about a size 12/14. So I have never been "skinny". I do weigh more then I would like to right now but I'm not looking to go A diet,. I am working on a plan to get fit and stronger to make me a better performer. Which can be difficult on my schedule and budget. I am not going to wait to do what I love until I lose weight. I refuse to hide because I make a few cowardly people uncomfortable. Burlesque is one small part of my public performances. Nerd-vana is a body positive Variety show. We encourage men and women of all ages, shapes, sizes and talents to perform with us. Its about talent and originality. Many women of all sizes hate their bodies. We are encouraged to hate each other. A few of the comments about being fat or looking like a whore were from women. Skinny women are supposed to tease and pity the fat girls. Fat girls are supposed to hate the skinny girls in return cause they are skinny. "pretty" girls are supposed to pity "ugly" girls and "ugly" girls are supposed to hate the "pretty" girls. And we all are supposed to want to look like a Photoshopped image of what a beautiful woman is supposed to looks like that doesn't really exists.
FUCK THAT!
We need to stop hating ourselves and each other. It's going to take time. And it will be hard. God knows how many times I have wallowed in my own low self esteem. And I have allowed others to make feel bad about my body. What motivates me to put myself out there is that fear of not doing something is stronger then the fear of doing it. I don't want to live my life saying what if, because I was too shamed of what I looked like or afraid of what people might think. I'm single right now not because I 'm too fat or ugly to get a man. But because I work 2 jobs, produce a show, perform gigs around town and design and make a good portion of my props and costumes. And of course practicing my skills and rehearsing also take time. And occasionally I get time to hang out with my friends. So anyone who tells you fat people are lazy has never seen my schedule. I struggle at times, I don't have a lot of money but for the most part I enjoy my life... I will continue to enjoy my life. If you don't approve, oh well it sucks to be you... I am 40, a performer, I have amazing friends and I get to do some pretty cool stuff. And you what I'm beautiful My life is pretty good. You don't have to think I'm beautiful. That's your opinion you are entitled to it. And you know what? There is no need to be mean